Getting the partner involved?

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. I've sat down and talked with him about my desire to experiment with B/D and D/S elements in our relationship and have him take a more dominant role. He said it's not something he's been thinking about, but he'd be happy to give it a try.

So what's the problem? Basically, it's hard to get him to actually do anything without specifically setting it up on my own. I want to do things to make him happy, but he's taking the attitude of "it was your idea, I don't know what you want me to do." I really don't want to force this all on him, but he did say he'd try, and now ... he's not trying.

Are there any ways to encourage or inspire him to set some rules and enforce our roles? Even a little bit? Any incentive I can give him for creativity?

This same question has come up a few times in this forum.

As the coal miner said after the cave in, "Things ain't looking to bright, and it's dark too."

You can play at being a submissive or a dominant, but if the desire isn't really there it's not something that is going to suddenly pop into existence.

In my experiences with others in the same situation as yourself, you need to decide how important BDSM is as a part of your sexuality and go from there. If it is an important part then your boyfriend needs to get with the program, or you need to get a new boyfriend. If it isn't that important then a little "self indulgence" while reading the stories here on the site may suffice.

Good luck.

You might also want to try "topping from the bottom". In other words tell him to spank his little slaves behind. Tell him to tie you down or else you'll kick him off you.

Dress up as a "harem girl" and call him Master. (Oh sorry, that's my fanasty).

Maybe he'll "get it" and start to do these things on his own. If not, my phone # is 412 - XXX - XXXX

Rob
:D

It's clearly not something that comes naturally to your boyfriend, but that's not to say that he can't do it. It's mainly a matter of teaching him (either by example or by sitting him down and telling him) what you enjoy. Write him a list if he really doesn't get it! Once he knows what you like, hopefully in the mold of being a good boyfriend he'll want to make you happy, and you've told him what makes you happy...

Of course it's not quite that simple - you may encounter problems with him a) feeling silly, b) getting turned off by it, c) not being very creative d) clearly not being too enthused (kinda kills the mood!). a might hopefully be solved through practice, c depends on your boyfriend's creative side, and b and d might hopefully be solved by the fact that you'll be turned on (and what isn't sexier than turning on and pleasuring your partner!).

The above may be a bit of an over-simplification, but its just one person's suggestions.

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Originally Posted by rlsk

So what's the problem?

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Nothing. To me, the issue is that he's not interested in BDSM. Not everyone is. It might not be his thing.

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Originally Posted by rlsk

Are there any ways to encourage or inspire him to set some rules and enforce our roles? Even a little bit? Any incentive I can give him for creativity?

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Unfortunately, probably not.

If you've communicated your desire to him and expressed the importance of it to him, but he's still not interested, then there's not much more than you can do.

Certainly, you can try to offer him incentive, although I'm not sure what kind, but I don't know how well it would work. It might boil down to you having to make a choice. Is he more important to you? Or is the DS?

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Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide

Nothing. To me, the issue is that he's not interested in BDSM. Not everyone is. It might not be his thing. ... If you've communicated your desire to him and expressed the importance of it to him, but he's still not interested, then there's not much more than you can do.

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Understood. As I said, the problem seems to be that he wants to try, but doesn't really know where to start, and I'm not sure how to help him out there, being new to all this myself.

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Originally Posted by rlsk

Understood. As I said, the problem seems to be that he wants to try, but doesn't really know where to start, and I'm not sure how to help him out there, being new to all this myself.

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Ohhhh... Well, that's a completely different problem altogether. I thought you meant he just wasn't interested.

In that case, you and him might sit down together and read over the pages found at http://www.castlerealm.com The info there is dated, but it's still good and there are quite a few good pieces for beginners.

Also, maybe have him sign up here. He could ask questions and get comments about what's going on in his mind. He would also be expeosed to the many ideas that the perverts... I mean, experts... here can think of.

I look forward to seeing what happens. :)

I've found it to be a very powerful compulsion...the need for bdsm. The less you get it, the more you want it. You might try writing him a letter with your deepest fantasy described in detail. He might get turned on by that. Some might disagree but I've always found letters a very effective was to communicate with someone I love. Not that you can't talk face to face...but in a letter you get to express and explain your thoughts in detail without being interrupted...and your partner can go back and reread it several times until its clear to him/her.

I've said in several previous posts that I would have a very difficult time going back to a vanilla relationship. I like to think my current relationship is forever, but I'm also realistic...shit happens. I'f I tried to take on a "mainstream" sexual relationship it would be unfair to my partner because I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be satisfied with it.

Good luck in yours...keep us posted!

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Originally Posted by MrJerseyGuy

I'f I tried to take on a "mainstream" sexual relationship it would be unfair to my partner because I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be satisfied with it.

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I know exactly how you feel. I took a four year break from BDSM while I was involved with two vanilla girls and it was never really very satisfying. I always wound up finding some way of tying them up... and losing the pics. LOL

Another possibility is that he says he's willing to give it a go, but he's only saying it because he loves you and wants to please you. Maybe it's just not his thing at all. Maybe he just doesn't know where to start.

If he doesn't know where to start...well, thats easily fixed! I'm sure you'll be more than happy to give him a few pointers ;)

If he's only going to do it to please you...well, you either have to let it go, or go on with him not really into it. And that can stale a relationship really quickly (speaking from personal experience)

Just thought I'd add my two bob seeing as this is something I've been through recently.
Good luck to ya! :D :) :p

My wife and I have a Nilla relationship, she just doesn't have any interest in BDSM.

Yes, I agree with the others that once you start feeling either Dominate or submissive feelings your lying to yourself if you don't explore these feelings. And yes it's important to discuss these feelings with him.

Maybe he just doesn't "get it." There are various books and websites that explore the psychology of our little kink. Bondage.com and the Castlerealm site are wonderful resources for both of you to explore and learn. I'm sure www.janesguide.com has some great links also.

Maybe he doesn't want to "hurt" you. I know from personal experience that it's hard to overcome the ingrained behavior to never hit a woman. As a pacifist, it took me a while to seperate the "violence" of a BDSM relationship from everyday run of the mill violence.

Finally, if he does love you he'll accept these feelings your having. My wife accepts the fact that I visit sites like this and attended local BDSM functions.

Our relationship is a series of constant negoitions and talks, but it works pretty well for us. :)

Thanks for the websites -- they were so informative and helpful.

The update: I spent a long time researching and thinking of a good first step. Sat down with him tonight and presented it. He said he'd think about it and give me an answer on Friday. I got a very different vibe from him this time -- I suspect he said he was interested to be nice, and now that I've gotten into specifics he's trying to find a way out of it. I understand; as I said, I don't want to force him.

sorry to hear about your skepticism rlsk. I hope his answer is favorable, and if not, oh well. It's then a matter of how in love you are and how bad your need is for a bdsm relationship. If the former is stronger than the latter, then I wish you much happiness in your relationship, bdsm or not.

Fetish101

Hurrah! He said yes, both because he wants to make me happy and it's something he'd like to try now that he's thought about it. We're going to hash out the details over the weekend. I'm so excited!

I only worry about how my close (all online) friends would react if I told them -- they're all older and protective of me, and don't really like him, and will probably think he brainwashed me into it so he could abuse me or some such. It feels weird to think I'd have to keep it all a complete secret, or outright lie since they like to keep close tabs on my relationship (probably hoping I'll dump him and date this other guy who likes me and is the darling of the group.) Who knows what to do.

Sorry I'm babbling; I'm just so happy!

sounds to me like you're on the right thread. the best you can do is to get him to try it and then hopefully he should like at some of the things you do and will want to do them again, and again, and again

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Originally Posted by rlsk

I only worry about how my close (all online) friends would react if I told them

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So, umm, don't tell them.

I won't. ^_^

Having once been the guy who wasn't pursuing a BDSM relationship with my wife, who really wanted more, don't be suprised if it takes time to come close to what you are looking for. As mentioned above, if he was raised by a father who ingrained a big chunk of gentleman in him (like me) it is tough to overcome. And I was a guy who seriously enjoyed the kink side of things.

We finally went fulltime 3 weeks ago after playing around for, um, 8 years, but it has been fantastic.

Good luck with things

There are some wonderful recommendations for "How To" websites already made in this thread.

Another thought though, would be to find a few erotic stories that not only depict the physical acts, but the mental excitement of both the sub and Dom and share those stories with him.

If this is the first time he has been introduced to the concept of BDSM in real life, he may have some preconcieved notions and stereotypes in place that lend themselves to violence, degradation and just plain nastiness. If you can share literature that depicts some of the beauty in the power exchange, he may feel more comfortable and confident in pursuing this with you.

Or not.

Best of luck,

Val

My slave and I were together for six years before she brought up living the life full time instead of just playing at it as a diversion. While our relationship was always great she took a long time to confess her deepest desire to me. I guess that some people need a lot of time to feel secure enough to try something new and different Maybe he just needs time.

Barton.

Hey rIsk? How about an update? Are things going well on the BDSM front? Or have you guys gone back to vanilla again? Enquiring minds want to know.