Who Am I: Figuring out your role in the BDSM Community

When you first research BDSM, and you get beyond the initial “hey! That’s me!” or “THIS is what I want!” and you start to really look at what BDSM is, the first question most people are faced with is: how do I fit in? Commonly, people will automatically place themselves into a pigeon-hole role such as “I am a Master” or “I am a sub” because they think that they fit those characteristics. But more often then not, as one starts to explore BDSM in more depth, and explores themselves, they start to realize that maybe they aren’t 100% this, or 0% that… maybe they are a combination of them both… or maybe they are something else all together different.

One of the greatest things about BDSM is that you can explore as much as you want—learn, grow, change—and there are few, if any consequences. In fact, often times people can change roles more then once, and find great excitement and new adventures in doing so. Too often, people get locked into a role too soon, before they discover what they REALLY want—and then are afraid to change.

The real answer? You only fail yourself if you aren’t true to yourself. Are you 100% sub? Maybe not. Maybe you like to sub to one gender or type of person, and Top another, or Dom another. Maybe you like to sub in the bedroom, but be the Dominant outside of the bedroom. Maybe you like Domination & submission equally, 50-50. Who is to tell you who you are or what you enjoy? Instead, be truthful & honest to yourself, take the time to learn what you want & need, take the time to research different roles, different play options, different kinks. Feel around, see what’s out there.

So what’s in a label? Labels are easy. We use them all over society to categorize people into different groups—commonly known labels amongst a group make it simpler to identify & group people together or separately. However, labels also can serve a dangerous function—they narrow thinking, they narrow growth, and, above all, they often prove limiting. As you explore BDSM further, and you begin to meet people, and hear their stories, their journeys, you will start to realize that when someone says “I am a Dominant” or “I am a submissive,” their definitions of the words & ways of life may be as different as black & white. Watch the different characteristics of the labels & the groups, look at where you feel that you fit & belong. And if you find yourself saying “I don’t fit into any single group,” then you are with about 60% of the BDSM Community, who don’t philosophically or psychologically fit into a category. Don’t worry—you will find a home amongst all the others. We are all like eachother in some way, and all different from eachother in some way.

Worry less about fitting into a specific “role,” and worry more about finding yourself. You WILL find your partner—don’t change to meet a partner’s needs—find someone who meets your own.

One Caveat: While you are on this discovery journey, it is better not to have a partner who is relying on you to play one role or another: it will allow you the space to grow & figure out what you want. If you have a partner willing to grow & change with you, that’s fantastic. But otherwise, take the time for YOU… getting attached to someone too early on can curtail your personal journey & in the long run make you bitter or angry about your choices. If you do choose to have a partner, be honest with them—having 2 screen names, for instance, online, such as Dom_1 and sub_1, and not explaining it to your partner, breaks the trust that is so crucial in the relationship.

Be open, be honest, and be yourself!