BDSM & Marital and Emotional Infidelities

[MrJerseyGuy]

I don't know why that should be, but extra-marital BDSM sex just doesn't seem like cheating, especially when your partner has full knowledge of it and even may be watching.

The starter of this thread, PB, already knows my thoughts on the subject, we have spoken before. That said, as far as I'm concerned cheating on someone that you profess to be in love with is wrong in any context. And if you actually still believe that you are in love while you are doing the cheating...you could probably use therapy.

I have been in a relationship...actually a marriage, where we tried the open marriage thing. Although it seemed fun at that moment, it was just a symptom of the underlying problem. We tried it all...her meeting other guys, me meeting other girls and us meeting other guys/girls/couples together.

In the end we wound up divorced. We were not satisfied with each other and I believe that the open marriage thing just prolonged the agony. Its a way of continuing the relationship instead of admitting failure.

I recently said in the chat room that every relationship we get into has only two possible endings. Either you stay together forever or you don't.

You just have to stand up, dust off your cock (or vagina as the case may be), lick your wounds and move on. I know it's easier said than done. But I think that's what it boils down to.

[jaeangel]

I am married to a vanilla man, and we have 2 kids. I do have cybersex online, in chatrooms and such, and it was there that i met my MAster.
When I was younger (i.e. just out of High School) I moved in with a boyfriend who said he was into 'the lifestyle'. It turns out he was just a sadistic bastard; I ended up in the hopsital for a few days after going into shock after one session in which he was drunk and did not respond to our safeword.
The experience frightened me; the thought of how close I came to dying scared me. I stayed away from BDSM for a while, and eventually met my husband at work. We dated for two years, then I got pregnant and we got married. That was three years ago, and I love him dearly; I can't imagine living without him. I would never leave him. However, there is still that 'itch I can't scratch', the need to be dominated and used, and my husband is horrified by the very idea of tying me up and hitting me.
I was in a chatroom when I met a Master who didn't live all that far away from me. We got to talking, and then we met, and we had a few scenes together. My husband did find out, however; he came home from work early and surprised Master leaving our apartment. He didn't say anything about it at the time, but we did sit down and have a talk about it. He said he understood that i had sexual fantasies that he couldn't fulfill, but he also said that he didn't want strange people at our apartment, and that people would talk. He asked me to confine my scening to cyber, and not extend it out to real life. I have since restricted myself to cyber, in accordance with his wishes; it's not as good as r/l scening, but I love Hubby, and i respect his wishes. And I have found that it is better; I don't have to juggle schedules anymore and try to fit Master in with Hubby's schedule and mine. Cyber may not be as satisfying as r/l, but in the end it's better for our marriage.
I'm not trying to say its right or wrong; I'm just trying to explain my experience. I had to find a balance, one that would fulfil me and still respect his wishes.

[MrJerseyGuy]

You must have an extremely understanding husband jaeangel! I completely understand the urge to persue those fantasies...but the conversation should have happened before the scene, not after. If it were me, I would have kicked you out the door 2 seconds after I caught the master leaving. But then you don't even know me so who am I to judge. I just hope you don't forget the second chance.

The best way to cure cheating is to find yourself on the other side of it. That's what worked for me. At the same time it must be torment to want to play and not be allowed to. I'd be nuts over that!

I hope it works out for you.

[Katmandu]

I think that is BS! Why can't a person have their cake and eat it too? Who wrote all these social rules that have brainwashed people in today's society? Churches?! Think about it, folks. Monogomous and fidelity are words that came about after the Christian revolution 2000 years ago. Let's use our own brains here, and figure out what we truly want to do, how we truly want to live, and just do it!

[MrJerseyGuy]

I think that is BS! Why can't a person have their cake and eat it too? Who wrote all these social rules that have brainwashed people in today's society? Churches?! Think about it, folks. Monogomous and fidelity are words that came about after the Christian revolution 2000 years ago. Let's use our own brains here, and figure out what we truly want to do, how we truly want to live, and just do it!

I thought Woodsman's Game put it pretty nicely, but to respond to katmandu...

I have never agreed with the concept of monogamy. And I agree that it largely came from the religeous concepts of the people who established our society. I think it is an unnatural and antiquated concept. If it were "natural", men wouldn't pop a boner everytime a good looking girl in a skirt walked by. Now with that said <as I clear my throat>...

Like any other healthy red blooded man, I would happily grab every attrative woman I ran into and bend her over and bang her stupid! Given my social life and work, I certainly have the opportunity to do so on a regular basis. The reason I don't is because I love and respect my partner and would never do anything to hurt her (emotionally). I wouldn't hurt her physically either, except that she kind of likes it! I expect the same consideration from her and I get it.

I guess it just depends on how serious your relationship is. In my case, my relationship with her is much more important to me than any other piece of ass. And given the option, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else when I could be spending time with her. I think they call it love or something...

Now I shall jump off my soapbox and go back to looking at my porn

[woodsman'sgame]

If you are a true submissive through and through, then doing what your spouse wants and making him/her happy should be your real goal. Your desires should be secondary to his or hers. True submision involves serving and catering to your spouse. It's not about getting you off and making you happy. It's about making him or her happy. There are a few submissive women in my little rural community in vanilla relationships who just don't realize that they are submissives. The only thing that is missing that would make this submission public is that they usually walk beside their husbands instead of 3 paces behind. <grin>

Now, if what you want is BDSM sex or if you are a Dom/Domme and your spouse is not at all submissive, then the situation is different. A vanilla relationship cannot be satisfactory to you. What to do there? I agree with Mr. Jerseyguy in that infidelity is infidelity. Lying to your partner cannot be good for any relationship. If you are stuck in a vanilla relationship, cyber sex is a safe outlet for these BDSM desires and does not pose a big threat to a marriage, but doing it behind a partner's back is something I would not recommend.

I understand that for some people this lifestyle is so important that having to live outside it would make them very unhappy. If you discover (or as in my case finally give in to and accept) these desires after many years of marriage and your spouse does not go along with them, then you have to choose between your own desires and the happiness of the rest of your family. It all boils down to how selfless you are and/or what your priorities are as well as how strong your need is for BDSM.

I was lucky in that my lifetime partner accepted my desires at this stage in our marriage and is willing to fulfill them. I feel badly for those who aren't so lucky and have to face such difficult choices.


Katmandu, throughout the ages, women who were unfaithful have been killed, maimed, etc. Before Christianity ever existed there were dire consequences for infidelity, but only for women. Men were not expected to be faithful to only one woman until Christianity came along. In many non-Christian and "Christian" societies this double standard still applies. So "just do it" is the thinking that many men have followed all along, but heaven help the woman who just did it!