My reluctant partner...

[Dngnkeeper]

Thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement.
Dngnkeeper, to answer some of your questions:
My partner has always had a low sex drive by nature. She wants to want sex more often and to try adventurous things, but in the moment, if she is not aroused, she gets stressed and occassionally panics. Any tips on how to solve this low-desire problem are DESPERATELY needed.

HHMM... A sort of performance anxiety. Sometning I'm more used to seeing in men. Hhmm. My experience tells me this can be caused by many things such as past abuse, certin drugs, physical injury, hormonal imbalance, leftover problems from her enviroment during childhood, just to name a few. Hopefully your conversations and knowledge of her can reveal which. Knowing whats up can lead to a personalized course of action. But the basic advise for you as her partner is to be supportive and appreciative of the times when she is arroused and not to shed a negative light. Applying pressure to perform is just making the problem worse.

Another thought, or is it a question, is what turns her on or excites her. Does she like to see you naked, in pretty undies, dressed to the nines, t-shirt and jeans. Does she like it when you serve her, ie, getting things for her, coking, driving etc. Or does she like you quiet and in the background. This is something you need to know so that you can find ways to incorperate it into your activities. Suduction is a marvelous way to enguage the mind. And where the mind goes the body usually follows.

I guess what I am saying to you is to put her at ease and make her feel good about her sexuality and comfortable about expressing it. While its important to know why "she gets stressed and occassionally panics" so that in the long run you can help her to put these reasons behind her and enjoy her sexuality. The first step is to acept the fact and show your joy and apperciation when it works. Also remember sex is a two way street and she needs to get something from it. Find out what the something is and make sure she gets it. This is very much a trust building operation. The more she trusts you to be a loving and positive sexual partner the more she can open up to you and feel safe knowing that when she doesn't perform you will be there for her.

Regarding B&D without sex, this is very interesting. I want to hear more. B&D are so sexually arousing for me that they're hard for me to imagine separately. However, an ideal situation might be one in which I get bound and even disciplined, and she doesn't have to have sex so often. The catch here is that I fear if she is not sexually aroused, B&D play will just creep her out. And as I said before, she went really negative on the idea of roleplay. (And of course it's hard to roleplay the Dom since you're running the show.)

Odviously for you B&D will be a sexual thing. So to make this a non sexual activity you need to stop thinking of the final outcome being sex with her. As I said above applying pressure to perform sexually is going to be counter perductive. So you will need to make the goal of B&D something other then sex with her. There needs to be some value for her in the activity. You will need to find a comon ground for the activity. While it might be small I suspect there is one.

A few concepts to think about. Can B&D be used in your relationship to modify some of your behavior or keep you in line. In the house hold I'm sure you have some duties that youre are expected to perform on a regular basis, ie shoping, washing the dog, paying the bills and ballancing the check book, lawn care, getting good grades, whatever. Could you set up some form of reward and punishment system based on B&D such that demarits are set for not performing and at the end of the week or such the perscribed punishment is carried out. Or if you don't have any then you get some reward.

Another concept is that of visual appeal. As I said above if you can add the elements of bondage to what is visually allealing to her so she can get some thing from the experience.

Keep in mind that bondage is more then cuffs, chains and rope. Think about the concept of corsets, tight skirts, hobble shirts, and certin types of shoes. If these have some appeal to you then this is a bondage thing you can participate in without her. And if she likes what she sees all the better. Eventully she may request or insist on this as part of your relationship.

Another concept might be personal time for her. For example if she likes bad scifi moves and you don't she, or you, could tie you up and have you arround on her lap or at her feet when you might not be otherwise present or happy. Or maybe she would like to have you in wrist and ankle cuffs to get the wine and bree during the movie. So now you can do something together and both enjoy it when you normally wouldn't. And it gives her the ability to exersize control. She could enjoy the trust of you handing her the keys to your outfit and you the submission.

Still another concept of bondage involves the chastity belt. Could she want to totally control the sexuality of the realtionship. There could be some value here as it completely removes any notion of her performing sexualy solely for your benefit. At this point the sexual relationship becomes all about her and satisifying her needs. I have seen this work very well in het relationships where the woman has a lower sex drive and feels her needs are left out of the equasion.

Thats just a short list of possible things. They are not mutually exclusive. Mix and match a little from here and some from there. But the general concept is what ever it is you do the goal is not sexual activity. I have a couple of real life descriptions of a couple of these if you are interested. PM for more info.

So my plan at this point is to slowly try to get her used to the idea of me being bound (which now I think she finds a little scary); then perhaps work our way up to teasing the captive; and eventually hopefully to roleplay.

Great plan. Slow is the key. Keep in mind you have had the fantacy of bondage since you were very young and encountered the handcuffs. For her this is something you have sprung on her and it, for her, is scary uncharted teritory. I hope she sees it in the light of adding to your relationship and not as something to just be delbt with.

tha, you are right, I must be patient and go slow (it's really hard for me to go slow). We are talking a lot now which is great. Although our communication in general is awesome, it has been terrible when it comes to sex because we've had problems for so long. So we shall keep the conversation going.

I think you are right on track. Remember to look for the common ground.

What I could really use is a book or video that portrays bdsm as something that is natural and even healthy (although a bit strange). This might help her get over any hang-ups she has, as well as provide us with particular things to discuss.

Thanks again! (It's amazing to have someone to talk to about this.)

For books I always recomend Larry Townsand's Leatherman's Handbook. It was the first book to be published in 72 and still for me is the standard on the ins and outs. Although it is a gay S&M how to the concepts still apply to all genders and flavors of BDSM. You might try Different Loving by Gloria Brame, Screw the Roses by Phillip Miller, S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman, Erotic Surrender by Claudia Varrin or some of the newer books for more girl oriented writing. I bet some others have some ideas for books.

As for movies, I havent seen any that arn't some sort of role playing. For some good girl on girl bondage role play with little or no sex try the ones offered at bondagedivas.com or harmonyconcepts.com. Who knows you might find something that interests her there.

I hope that helps a little. I'm sure some others will have some good words to. If you have any more to share or more questions, we would love to hear. And also what you found is working for you, is important too, as there are others who haven't posted that will have similar questions.

Good luck.