The Origin of my Current Project

[ElectricBadger]

As said, a very nice work, and quite a bit of technical skill displayed.

-Overuse of I and of telling/not showing, as mentioned. Use the first person, but don't just use it to break the fourth wall! Specifically, the entire first section felt like a summary of an introduction. SHOW her history, her career, her attitude...have her follow the links on her parents' computer and surf, we'll learn all about her business and Katrina while getting worked up. Give some internal monologue about how she feels towards incest, rather than just telling us how she's wired.

-It was believable until the last scene with her mother, which felt very forced. A sudden, well-timed confession, unlinked to the father? The father unknowingly having the same tastes? The daughter not knowing her dad can't use a computer? It would help the first scene to describe what was written in the email...what was implied/explained/demanded...if she'd started off with something like, "I know you've watched me and fantasize about me, so meet me in the study at midnight, and come naked" it might strike a believable note...the reader would understand she'd just luckily stumbled on the truth, even with the wrong evidence. The mom's giggling confession of a ten-year secret over brunch is still hard to swallow, though.

-One or two minor spelling errors, just run a quick spell check.

-A couple delays in the plot. The conversation with her family, particularly, didn't accomplish all it should have. Characterize more -- what does she feel, what are her interests, hobbies, pet names, past experiences? If the plot is sexual tension -- which is what it seems, and fine -- then build it with everything you do. Take this from an awkward conversation -- which on re-read, has the mom wierdly inquisitive for knowing the answers already -- to a semi-public tease, with caresses or whispers or flashes or... something.

Anyhow, that probably seems like a lot, but really it's just the nudge towards really truly good, not any condemnation; this is a damn fine work, and I hope you'll share your efforts some more here at the Library. We don't pay money, but there's a lot to say about providing a forum to authors and access for an often-marginalized community.

[rache696]

Yeah, I appreciate all of your comments. I'm going to run through my scripter and count some words, I think "I" and "Was" certainly. I do know that I fall into patterns and they're difficult to break out of. I understand what your comments were pointing at and I'll have to wrap my brain around a solution.

The scene with dad in the study, actually he was supposed to have been the one making the discovery, only shoot, probably right about at the very end when Susan is leaving him, that's when I thought wouldn't it be interesting if dad wasn't the one. So it became a last minute plot change and I did very little rewriting. Just a few sentences and I had a goal, a speed limit of 5k words, largely due to time. That's about three hours of writing and I didn't want to come back to it later.

The dinner scene is a problem for me. I needed a lot better dialogue. I needed it to be much more clever than it was, especially in light of the fact that I'm up to chapter 13 on it now. I'd dearly love to go back, but at the time it was never go to be longer than 1 standalone chapter. I kind of got talked into continuing.

Suspension of belief is a big issue and you guys are right especially about the beginning. It needs 5k words just for character intro I think, taking Susan through dinner, and then the next 5k dedicated to the study scene with much more interplay. The actual BDSM was fine for me, I was happy with the scene itself, but father did yield quickly, too quickly especially when mom let's the cat out of the bag later. And that was a function of my word limit, it needed to progress very quickly for my own purposes, contrary to what the story needs.

So what I learned, is the mother episode should be scrapped (treating this as a standalone) leave dad as a very willing submissive, with his secret yearnings revealed, and just rework the introduction of the characters and find one good thread for dinner. One good theme to tie them all up.

It's interesting. I'm doing another story and already I have 6k words and nothing has happened lol I haven't mentioned what the story is about. So I'm see if I cant apply some of this to that, because I have the room, two characters, and zero plot in that one. I can literally be about anything I want.

So good...I like to talk. Thanks so much for taking the time and posting your comments. I need that stuff a lot.

Best always,
rachael