Restless Demon

[Beswitchingly Positive]

Thank you Ruby, I understand now why this was so hard for me. Your very detailed explanation of what I need to do is so helpful. Thank you for letting me rewrite before wasting your time picking at the first one.

Active voice, save it for the actual action! I can be very slow to catch on.

I interpret my assignments very literally.

I thought you wanted the whole thing in active voice, this is why my first attempt was so clipped and breathless You got the virgin draft, Ruby the one I posted might be a word or two different, but not by much. I sent it to you privately because I knew it had problems...then I was restless and saw the brave moptop post a first draft, and it rocked, and she was so brave, so I figured why not? I sent it to Ruby, she saw it, I could do that too...mine had far more to fix, but what the hell.

I have to apologise to H Dean, he said he my story didn't seem like a first draft. Now I think I know why. Never thought about it until he said that.

This is how I wrote this, it had to have a dungeon, and what fun is that with out a bit of torture? Hmmm who do i want to torture, oh right, That Guy, so I will try to get in his stupid head and think about why I want to toture him...with my interprtation of active voice, it took off like a breathless runner from there. Once I had a who and why, the how was easy.

I did not finish this in one sitting, each time I looked at it I reread it from the beginning, keeping in mind my assignment, and added and subtracted as I saw fit (because, here, writing, I am g-d, dammit) until it felt as though it reached an end. I was going to change alot and I am pretty sure I didn't do it before moptop (unintentionally) lit the fire under my ass to post it.

I wanted to know if it was worth saving, and I am an attention whore at times.

So, because it was so hard to try to do it ALL in active voice, (because i took the assignment too literally) I worked on it and got exhausted by the pace and had to stop and start over (on the origina?) quite a few times.

Maybe I am incapable of a first draft.

My dearest H Dean, I think this is why it seemed not to be a first draft, I'll bet. And maybe I don't really know what constitutes a first draft because I have usually write this way, very gradually. It seems to take me a few tries before a piece feels finished. I have to pretty much read the whole thing again whenever I work on it, so I edit as I write, until I catch the mood again and then I can keep going to an ending.

I never really thought about this process before, I just figure when it feels like a complete scene, or story, or chapter, it is the first draft.

Deanie, darling, you are truly an ispiration to me. You call me on my subconscious bullshit. My first draft is only in my head, before I start writing...no one gets to see it, I am too much of a perfectionist, in my mind, not with my skill.

I will set myself to task to eradicate all my clumsiness. When I began writing in earnest, five years ago I was going to blatantly fuck the rules...it had been so long that I had school, I had forgotten many.

People liked my stories in spite of that, so I kept writing and occasionally letting someone see...

Now, I see the value of sticking to a form and fashion that is more comprehensible...I enjoyed the abstract quality of my stream of consciousness phase...now I want the story it self to be the mind fuck, not the form...jeez, might I be finally growing up?

Ruby, your comments and instruction have shed a bright light on how I can fix this.

Thank you, I hope I can make you all feel like it was woth the effort to give me all this help. In thanks I want to invite you all, Dragon's Muse, Aussiegirl, Rhabbi, Ruby, H Dean, moptop, Satan_Klause, Tessa and Mad Lews to my Halloween party in October...please forgive me if I am overlooking anyone who has helped me...as far as you all being strangers, I am not afraid...I am not kidding, PM me for details.

I throw kickass parties. I am so happy, I feel like having one right now.

I will get to work Ruby, thank you!

Beswitchingly

P.S. My r/l writing partner read the last version of this outloud to myself and two other friends this afternoon, before Ruby posted...one of my very best friends, Mad Mike (he is famous, look up madmikethehippiebum on my space if you want to consider the source) he kept shouting out "No guy thinks that way!! No guy would ever say that!!" over and over...so please, tell me, yall, was the male pov at all believable?Any suggestions will be gratefully accepted...

[Ruby]

Thank you Ruby, I understand now why this was so hard for me. Your very detailed explanation of what I need to do is so helpful. Thank you for letting me rewrite before wasting your time picking at the first one.

Active voice, save it for the actual action! I can be very slow to catch on.

I interpret my assignments very literally.

Me, too. lol I'll do my best to be more clear next time.

I wanted to know if it was worth saving, and I am an attention whore at times.

It is indeed worth saving. Consider this:
This tale may not really work in first person!
It may be better told in third person, from the leading man's point of view.

Why?

One. The writing style is more like third person, with lots of I's and me's thrown in for good measure.

Two. The ending lends itself to the leading man's demise. Consequently, how can he be telling the story? To whom is he telling it?

I know, I know, this is often done, but I usually feel cheating as a reader and quite frankly, if he's become mad, it would be hard for him to string the story together at all.

Three. It may actually read better, and elminate the issue whether or not it's told by a man, if it's told by an unknown narrator.

You've accomplished the original task. Now it's time to consider, how to make the story better.

You can either re-write (give it a big editing refresh) by putting it in logical order, and really trying to "speak" like a man, or you can adjust the story to third person.

The choice is yours. Where would you like to take this tale?
Which "voice" would have the most impact on your readers?

Maybe I am incapable of a first draft.

Perhaps that's true and it's okay!

I never really thought about this process before, I just figure when it feels like a complete scene, or story, or chapter, it is the first draft.

That works for me. It's when you feel that you are done and need to put it down that you can call it any draft number you want.

I will set myself to task to eradicate all my clumsiness. When I began writing in earnest, five years ago I was going to blatantly fuck the rules...it had been so long that I had school, I had forgotten many.

People liked my stories in spite of that, so I kept writing and occasionally letting someone see...

Now, I see the value of sticking to a form and fashion that is more comprehensible...I enjoyed the abstract quality of my stream of consciousness phase...now I want the story it self to be the mind fuck, not the form...jeez, might I be finally growing up?

Ah, the student is learning quite a bit about herself.
One of the reasons I like people to play with different styles is to see what works for them and what works for the story they've chosen to write. It's like trying on a new coat, if it doesn't fit, we can select another and try again.

Ruby, your comments and instruction have shed a bright light on how I can fix this.

Great. I'm hoping I didn't shock you too much with my thoughts above. The more I think about it, the more I believe this story would work better in a third person, active tense, leading man's point of view, telling.

I throw kickass parties. I am so happy, I feel like having one right now.

Party? Oooh. We should PM.

I will get to work Ruby, thank you!

Beswitchingly

Thank you!

P.S. My r/l writing partner read the last version of this outloud to myself and two other friends this afternoon, before Ruby posted...No guy would ever say that!!" over and over...so please, tell me, yall, was the male pov at all believable?Any suggestions will be gratefully accepted...

I agree with your writing partner. Here's why:

In general and for first person stories (in my opinion):

Men think and want.
Women feel and need.

Men tend to be blunt, women flowery.

Men often speak and communicate in a logical flow: first A, then B, insert part C into slot D, etc.
Women often tell a story out of order, with random bits thrown in for emphasis and emotions sprinkled through out.

Both can be quite good at describing sensual items like touch, smell, sights, sounds, and tastes.

When I read your story, I didn't believe that a man was telling it.

Did your writing partner have hints or tidbits that you can share?

Keep up the great work!

Ruby

[Satan_Klaus]

In general and for first person stories (in my opinion):
Men think and want.
Women feel and need.

Ruby

Or expressed in other, words:

"Melvin how do you write women so well?"
"I think of a MAN, and I take away reason and accountability."

Jack Nicolson in "As Good As it Gets"

Satan_Klaus

PS:
Please don't hurt me ladies......or please do.

[Ruby]

Or expressed in other, words:

"Melvin how do you write women so well?"
"I think of a MAN, and I take away reason and accountability."

Jack Nicolson in "As Good As it Gets"

Satan_Klaus

PS:
Please don't hurt me ladies......or please do.

Satan_Klaus,

Feel free to drop your pants, bend over and lay across my knees.

You deserve a good "reward" spanking for putting a huge smile on my face.

Ruby

[Ruby]

BP wrote: I only wrote in first person for years, it was something I was trying to get away from. Writing from the male point of view doesn't feel honest to me...I also realise it is important to be able to do so effectively, if I ever want any of my male characters to think or speak.

That makes lots of sense. We can certainly focus on stretching your "third person" writing skills.

I would like to make this third person, and I could set him up to tell the story (he is mad) and it would be much easier not to cheat you all with a vague notion of where he is telling the story from and make it more believable...however I did like the surreal aspect of it...I will have to think on this, perhaps I can do both.

Go for it! Take this piece where you'd like or be done with it and tackle something new.

If you'd like to work on this tale a bit more, then define the parameters of what you want to accomplish before you begin and then put the next version in this thread.

For example: The next version will be told in third person, from the leading man's point of view, (versus the omnipresent narrator), using active tense for the action wherever possible.

BP, thank you for your willingness to try new things.

Write on!

Ruby

[Satan_Klaus]

Satan_Klaus,
Feel free to drop your pants, bend over and lay across my knees.
You deserve a good "reward" spanking for putting a huge smile on my face.

Anytime, Ruby.

By the way: Did my email get lost in cyberspace or do YOU need a little spanking for tardiness?

Satan_Klaus

[Ruby]

Anytime, Ruby.

By the way: Did my email get lost in cyberspace or do YOU need a little spanking for tardiness?

Satan_Klaus

Satan_Klaus, you make me laugh, thank you. My tardy response to your e-mail was being written before you posted this and I didn't see it until after I'd hit the send button.

If you want to switch and take turns receiving a fun spanking, I'm all for it. Shall we set a date for November? Until then, I only have time to do the spanking.

Ruby

[Beswitchingly Positive]

Me, too. lol I'll do my best to be more clear next time.


No need to apologise Ruby, this was an interesting lesson.



It is indeed worth saving. Consider this:
This tale may not really work in first person!
It may be better told in third person, from the leading man's point of view.

Why?

One. The writing style is more like third person, with lots of I's and me's thrown in for good measure.

Two. The ending lends itself to the leading man's demise. Consequently, how can he be telling the story? To whom is he telling it?

I know, I know, this is often done, but I usually feel cheating as a reader and quite frankly, if he's become mad, it would be hard for him to string the story together at all.

Three. It may actually read better, and elminate the issue whether or not it's told by a man, if it's told by an unknown narrator.

You've accomplished the original task. Now it's time to consider, how to make the story better.

You can either re-write (give it a big editing refresh) by putting it in logical order, and really trying to "speak" like a man, or you can adjust the story to third person.

The choice is yours. Where would you like to take this tale?
Which "voice" would have the most impact on your readers?


I only wrote in first person for years, it was something I was trying to get away from. Writing from the male point of view doesn't feel honest to me...I also realise it is important to be able to do so effectively, if I ever want any of my male characters to think or speak. I would like to make this third person, and I could set him up to tell the story (he is mad) and it would be much easier not to cheat you all with a vague notion of where he is telling the story from and make it more believable...however I did like the surreal aspect of it...I will have to think on this, perhaps I can do both.


One of the reasons I like people to play with different styles is to see what works for them and what works for the story they've chosen to write. It's like trying on a new coat, if it doesn't fit, we can select another and try again.

Great. I'm hoping I didn't shock you too much with my thoughts above. The more I think about it, the more I believe this story would work better in a third person, active tense, leading man's point of view, telling.


I will give it a go but it may take a little time

Party? Oooh. We should PM.

[COLOR="rgb(72, 209, 204)"]Yep, will do! [/COLOR]



I agree with your writing partner. Here's why:

In general and for first person stories (in my opinion):

Men think and want.
Women feel and need.

Men tend to be blunt, women flowery.

Men often speak and communicate in a logical flow: first A, then B, insert part C into slot D, etc.
Women often tell a story out of order, with random bits thrown in for emphasis and emotions sprinkled through out.

Both can be quite good at describing sensual items like touch, smell, sights, sounds, and tastes.

When I read your story, I didn't believe that a man was telling it.

Did your writing partner have hints or tidbits that you can share?

Keep up the great work!

Ruby

[COLOR="rgb(72, 209, 204)"]I will keep all of this in mind.

Thank you for taking so much time with this.


BP
[/COLOR]