What makes you submissive?

[gemmy]

Thank you Amber - great post and it generally agrees and goes along with what everyone is saying and I, as well, agree

I also do understand there are many submissives out there who've led golden lives and have never felt the hand of abuse on them, it was more to see what the abused gurls thought and what people in general thought about the idea that abuse makes one submissive - thank you all for the responses, it's been interesting

I have had many 'Doms' ask me if it's some sick or twisted revelation of my abusive past that has made me submissive and it is why I wanted to post the original question. I sincerely believe we are who we are from birth, our personality is born and although things will change us slightly over a course of time, our 'hard-wiring' is set.

These 'Doms' who have asked me never believe me when I say I was far more submissive before getting abused, than after and like Amber says - if anything it made me more Dominant when I got abused, to push away anything or anyone who may think to try it again.

It is also fairly common, I've noticed, that many submissives have positions of authority in their workplace and I'm no different - I've been running and managing companies most of my professional life, although with a soft approach as opposed to any 'hard as balls' dominant one lol and yes, I've been quite successful for those companies I have grown. Maybe this is a more prevalent commonality among us subs than the abuse one?

Submissives, when recognized by skilled abusers, are a direct target - I have learned that much - it is written on our person somehow and it can get taken advantage of when spotted. I've also learned how to read their 'writing' in return *winks* and it helps in preventing them ever abusing me again. It isn't without backlash though and when they see they can't take advantage, a very angry and accusing person appears lol

[Polaris]

Submissives, when recognized by skilled abusers, are a direct target - I have learned that much - it is written on our person somehow and it can get taken advantage of when spotted. I've also learned how to read their 'writing' in return *winks* and it helps in preventing them ever abusing me again. It isn't without backlash though and when they see they can't take advantage, a very angry and accusing person appears lol[/QUOTE]

Sorry to take that out of context a little -- there were other interesting points in the post -- but I really wanted to follow up that thought. I'm not sure if it's the submissiveness that speaks to abusers. I am still submissive, and I am more submissive than dominant in every aspect of my life...this is to say, I think if you look out for signs, you would find them easily in my case -- but I have somehow stopped to attract abusive people. What has changed is not that I am no more submissive, but I've learnt some reasonable human responses to unreasonable requests...that is to say, I've learnt to say no, sometimes I even manage to not feel guilty about it. It's like in Amber's story: When she realised that the behaviour of her (dom)partner was more controlling (thus, unhealthy) than dominant (thus healthy), she walked out -- which is the only sane reaction. What I would have done would have been very likely to make up excuses for his behaviour and blame myself -- which is neither a sane nor a healthy reaction.

What I have (or had) written all over myself was probably not 'submissive' but 'codependent'. Of course, the submissive qualities may play into it, as well. And this is what makes it so complicating -- it's, to me, two different things, yet at some point they seem to overlap. And as I can't quite point out where that is, or how these things connect (or don't connect, at that), it bothers me.

As far as my relationships are concerned (not that I had that many), ALL my vanilla relationships were abusive in one way or another. NONE of my BDSM relationships were abusive in any way. This is something that makes me wonder as well.

I'm afraid that's more questions than answers, but I truly appreciate all the other's insight and input!

[Isabella King]

I reckon this thread needs a change of direction.

When I was about twelve I used to walk around the country lanes where I lived with no clothes on Cars even passed me by How stupid was that?

When I was a teenager I used to dress in tiny short skirts, no knickers, high heeled thigh length boots, skimpy revealing tops and my mum's wig and walk the streets of the local town pretending to be a prostitute How lucky was I to return home still a virgin

Did I secretly hope to be kidnapped or ravished? Yeah, drowning in raging hormones that I didn't know how to control, I think I did.

I don't think I deserved to still be a virgin when I got married but I'm so glad I was.


NB: Posting after drinking a bottle of red wine could lead to embarrassment...
I also did other things but it would take more than one bottle of wine to reveal any more.

[tydnchaynz{NSXX}]

It is also fairly common, I've noticed, that many submissives have positions of authority in their workplace and I'm no different - I've been running and managing companies most of my professional life, although with a soft approach as opposed to any 'hard as balls' dominant one lol and yes, I've been quite successful for those companies I have grown. Maybe this is a more prevalent commonality among us subs than the abuse one?

Submissives, when recognized by skilled abusers, are a direct target - I have learned that much - it is written on our person somehow and it can get taken advantage of when spotted. I've also learned how to read their 'writing' in return *winks* and it helps in preventing them ever abusing me again. It isn't without backlash though and when they see they can't take advantage, a very angry and accusing person appears lol

Gem.......i have noticed this as well. Personally, i've been in critical care nursing for ten years, and i have been on my own since the age of 16. i tend to agree that between the demanding and consistantly stressful aspects of my job, and a long life of HAVING to take care of myself, the psychological aspect of turning that control over to someone who loves, respects, and has nothing but your best interests at heart is a HUGE part of my submissive personality.

As for having targets painted on our backs by skilled abusers, i find that also to be true. As most of you have posted, most of my bondage and forced sex fantasies appeared long before my actual abuse. However, before i was aware of BDSM, i had no name for the way i felt. It did seem that the men that i attracted were all abusers in some form or another. And as has also been mentioned, it tended to make me much less submissive and with that tough girl *no one is ever going to hurt me again* attitude. Of course, this just tends to make me very lonely at times and hurts no one but myself, lol.

When i first stumbled into the world of BDSM, my first thought is "Wow! I'm home." Finally, there was a way to express myself AND other people out there that feel the same way that i do that i can talk to. Since then, i've learned a great deal about myself, and as gem also said, i can spot an abuser a mile away. i have also found out, that in a trusting, safe, and consensual relationship....i like being hurt just a lil' *grins*

As is the case in the world, people are just different. What *causes* someone to be submissive or Dominant??? Who knows. What is nice is that there are places where someone can find other people that have shared in their experiences, whatever they may be, and can offer advice or perhaps just a sympathetic ear in times of need.

Gem.....thanks for the link. And thanks to everyone else for their insight and opinions.

[gemmy]

As is the case in the world, people are just different. What *causes* someone to be submissive or Dominant??? Who knows. What is nice is that there are places where someone can find other people that have shared in their experiences, whatever they may be, and can offer advice or perhaps just a sympathetic ear in times of need.

Well said hun and I'm happy to hear you are taking the time to learn about yourself - truly it does go a long way in finding the One for you