Fanny: I found this recipe, and wondered if you thought it was suitable for serving at parent’s evening.


Chilled Tarte Duchess. An elegant edible centre piece.

It is essential to prepare your Duchess carefully since you never know where they have been. They are known for being headstrong and full of self importance, and sometimes even object to being the centre of a tart, so it is recommended that having selected your Duchess you take her out side and firmly secure her in a vertical spread eagled position. Inspect your Duchess carefully, first pluck any body hair from her, and then scrub her thoroughly and hose her down. Leave to dry.

You will need a pie dish with a diameter approximately the same as the Duchess’ arse to neck measurement. Line the pie dish with a thick layer of marzipan and put one side.

Check your Duchess is clean and dry – you may wish to repeat the plucking, scrubbing and hosing process a number of times until you are satisfied; but do make sure she dries out completely each time.

Find a suitable man to carry the prepared Duchess in the kitchen and place her on the kitchen table. Place a four ringed wide leather collar around the Duchess’ neck and fasten her wrists to this so her fingers are behind her neck. Next attach cuffs to her ankles and attach ropes between her ankles and collar so that her legs are vertical. In most cases it will also be necessary to gag your Duchess to stop her complaining.

You will again need assistance at this point with placing your Duchess into the prepared marzipan shell. Her neck should be resting on the edge of the pie dish, with her head tipped backwards.

Take a large brush and paint the Duchess with a thick layer of molten chocolate, taking particular care to ensure that all crevices are well covered. Place pie dish, with duchess in large fridge to chill.

To serve: Fill the surrounding space around the Duchess with fresh fruit sprinkled with liqueur. It is recommended that guests serve themselves.