pangent617's 1st level One Assignment

[pejanon]

This is a good, very well written piece and it is really original, which is hard to do in this field.



The narrative IS overabundant and the precision of expression and over insistence on details sometimes make it somewhat confusing, at least to me. However, that style reflects your character’s personality and gives a special flavor to the story.



I strongly urge you to follow aussiegirl’s advice: Break up the text in many more shorter paragraphs and make the direct, quoted, speech stand out. If you do so, the text will be more readable and some redundancies will become obvious to you too. You also have a few surplus quote marks and other minor mistakes which you can correct when you do it.
A job well done.

I see that you've alread decied to do that. Looking forward to your rewrite.

I agree with Aussiegirl on Level 2 - your will go up to it soon.

[pangent617]

Ok I have broken almost all the paragraphs into at least two paragraphs and ran grammatiek on it as well as spell check, hopefully we are moving closer

Edited story follows:

“The name she gave is Violet and as I watch her inspect the equipment, I am inclined to believe she has a fetish for the color.” I commented to the observer. “She is dressed in shades of it. It seems odd to me that she has left her hair brown.” I returned my attention to the myriad dials, gauges and switches on the panel before me. If she chose to go forward, they all had a critical piece to play and I was the one tasked with seeing it all ran true.

“You are confused, of course. You are here to witness the spectacle, if it happens. So allow me to explain how we got to this evening.” I glanced quickly to my chamber-mate. “My name? Well, of course that will remain
enshrouded, as will your name, the other witnesses’ names and the principle’s name herself. That is for all of our protection.”

“Allow me to inform you that I have a doctorate in mechanical engineering and physical design. I have designed and built many of the advanced factories throughout the world and many of my designs grace textbooks as case studies on how to create mechanical systems. I have long since outgrown the need for a lot of money, but I have plenty of income from patents and the like. I tell you this not to boast, but, by way of an explanation of how I came to be involved in this adventure.”

The observer remained silent, so I continued, as much to filter out the monotonous hum of the equipment as to converse. “It was innocuous enough, it came via a forwarded email from a trade journal to which I had given an interview. The article laid out the recent projects I had done and the fact that I was semi-retired, taking on only ideas that interested me. I looked for challenges, that this was sort of a hobby for me now, taking on
interesting challenges.”

The email was intriguing and straightforward, ‘If you are as intelligent as the magazine purports, this riddle will be child’s play: My number is 400. If you look, I will wave at you shortly. An actor or an act that will do you no harm, but not I. Follows now, an aural third. Next, on the keyboard is where it is at. A great tree’s child ushers you out, to see the trident’s complement on dry land. If you can find me, I will tell you what I have in mind.’ I will leave you to reason it out if you can. It took me six minutes.”

I waited for any interjection, there was none and I realized that this may well stay a one-sided discussion, still I needed to mask the sound as the principle, the victim, as it was, made up her mind. “I contacted her and began a correspondence that shocked and made me recoil, but, her entreaty was so beguiling that I gave in and started the project.”

Ah, there was an interjection, he clearly was listening. “Excuse me? Why did I not turn her down, if I was revolted? Yes, that is a fair question. I suppose the way she framed her inquiry let her sway me with her arguments. Truthfully, I eschew anything that would be considered illegal and I suppose I should have walked away from this too, but she exploited a weak point in my defenses, my pride.”

“Her email read: ‘I am not sure that even you could pull off what I have in mind. I wish to be abused, physically, mentally and if possible emotionally by a machine without any human action, other than myself. I am not sure that any such thing can be designed, let alone built.’ She knew her target well, the idea of creating a mechanism to torture a human was reprehensible. But, she challenged my ability to design it. She dared me like some teenager and my emotional response was just as adolescent. I wrote back that given time and resources, anything that did not defy the laws of physics could be designed and built.”

“Violet then sprang the trap. She wrote back: ‘Will you do it then?’ I was lost, if I said no, I was as much as admitting I could not do it, If I said yes, well obviously, I said yes, I could not walk away from the challenge. I could not admit I could not do it. So, I deferred my good sense and we are here.”

“What happened next? I took over from that point, there were some things to define and there were parameters to set. I sent her an email of agreement, with questions that needed to be answered.”

“First, I needed her to define her abuse and to prioritize which was most important to her, physical, mental, emotional. I instructed her to take the measurements of her body that I needed, not just the standard bra size, waist and hips. I literally required many measurements that defined her body down to the inch and that they were to be taken daily and sent to me. It was an onerous task to do that every day, however, she was as trapped as I was, if she refused, I could claim no data and escape.”

“Finally, I requested that I could actually look at her to be able to visualize the system I was to create. I think I half-expected her to equivocate and to demand that I provide reasons for her compliance to the requests. Surprisingly, she acquiesced without comment.”

“She was straightforward as to her definitions, she wrote: ‘Abuse? I wish to be treated as rough as possible without killing me, in fact, I wish to be tortured with no recourse for me to stop it. I want to be marked and maimed and if it turns out that it cripples or mars me for life, so be it. As I said, I only ask that I survive the ordeal.”

‘As for priorities, I suppose physical abuse is my prime request, then mental and emotional abuse in no particular order. I will take the measurements faithfully every day and send them to you. As for looking me over live, I have no objection, but it is crucial that I never see you, I know it is not rational, but this whole thing is not rational. I hope this proves satisfactory.’

“It was, of course. She has been as good as her word, I received the data every day and fed it in, I have set the parameters long ago of course, but I allowed it to continue simply as a way to control her. I flew to where she lived and she paraded herself at three different places, at one of which, I watched her.”

“I used this information and designed the mechanism you see. A description? As it operates you will then be able to see what it does. So unless she backs out, I will let my work speak for itself.”

My chamber-mate was insistent and the victim seemed intent on studying the thing further, so I relented. “Briefly summarized, the machine is designed to process Violet and abuse her. No one, but, Violet herself can
start the machine, once it started however, she loses all control and she will be processed. Only a malfunction will allow the machine to be halted before she is fully processed. If there is no malfunction, no one can stop it.”

“The system is designed to react to her responses. She will be abused on all three levels. She will be brutally stripped naked and tortured, physically. It will take the system a minimum of two hours and as much as four hours to run the course. The length of time will be determined by how she reacts to the abuse the system applies to her.

She will be abused mentally primarily by not knowing what or when things are going to happen to her.

Emotionally, she will realize this whole thing is being recorded and that her deviant desire is going to be available to be published, that will come later after the processing is completed.”

“Oh! She is going to the starting area, it is time to stop chatting and start observing. What, you wish to make a wager? What are the terms? It is to predict the color of her panties? You claim that they will be purple? Purple, violet would be the same color. I am sorry you do not have a bet. We may be surprised, but I tend to believe that it will be that hue when they are revealed. Please now, I need to concentrate on the mechanisms. You enjoy the show.”

The woman walked determinedly to the station marked: Processing Start. She picked up the eight and half by eleven sheet of instructions. The final email correspondence explained the event. She was to inspect the machinery to her satisfaction and if she decided to go ahead she was to walk to the starting point and read and then comply with the instructions there.

Once the machine started, no human could save her and the programing did not allow for her to stop it either. She would be committed. She was to dress in clothes that could be discarded and she was to dress normally, not
erotically, just normally. The only thing he demanded was she was to wear high heels with four and one-half inch heels.

She had complied with that, as with everything, totally. She started to attach metallic arm bands near her shoulders and then wristbands, and she pulled the fasteners tautly. Then set about encircling her waist with a belt made of a similar material, which too, was fastened securely and tightly. Next her ankles were ensconced and then thigh bands were added.

She walked to the place that was mentioned in the instructions. She walked across a platform to the two marks that were mentioned in her instructions. That place faced the two men, giving them a clear view of the initial activity. (She could not see them, of course.)

She placed her feet on the marks, which spread her legs apart somewhat, she raised her arms level with her shoulders, closed her eyes and waited. Somewhere in the depths of the controlling part of the system, a clock started to count down. It was her final opportunity to escape.

Suddenly, without warning her spread eagle body was snatched and thrown against the hard back wall behind her. The violent maneuver forced the air from her lungs and she wheezed to catch her breath.

It was then that I thought to myself, “Now it begins, and she did want it rough.”