New Dom....help!!

[delish]

I just want to poke my head in and comment on something that's bothering me- I know nobody is intending to be rude, but the word 'doormat' is being thrown around left and right, to the point that it sounds derogatory without having been defined for what it is. I find it to be misleading, because who can truly judge when a sub is not a sub, but is instead a doormat?

There are many types of strengths, and as many personalities as there are people. Some subs don't exhibit their strength through the powerful personality that is being lauded here as The Best Thing Ever (which I know you don't mean that way, again, but for somebody new to stumble in here and read this thread, it could come off that way). Sometimes submission is offered quietly, in a manner that appears to have less fire. The difference is that there are many things that feed our fires- as long as a Dom is lifting up the partner, it doesn't matter that the sub is or is not outspoken/career intensive/naturally controlling in his/her life or what have you. All that matters is that the needs of both partners are being met.

If a Dom is looking for a sub who willingly serves and is naturally submissive, I don't think that makes the Dom a weakling. I think a Dom is a weakling if s/he is threatened by the greatness of his/her submissive, but that has very little (in my opinion) to do with personal tastes within the lifestyle.

I'm not trying to offend or insult; rather I'm trying to offer a bit of perspective. If anyone feels my words are hurtful, please contact me (either here or through PM) so that we can get it straightened out. I am not looking to hurt anyone.

[DowntownAmber]

I just want to poke my head in and comment on something that's bothering me- I know nobody is intending to be rude, but the word 'doormat' is being thrown around left and right, to the point that it sounds derogatory without having been defined for what it is. I find it to be misleading, because who can truly judge when a sub is not a sub, but is instead a doormat?

There are many types of strengths, and as many personalities as there are people. Some subs don't exhibit their strength through the powerful personality that is being lauded here as The Best Thing Ever (which I know you don't mean that way, again, but for somebody new to stumble in here and read this thread, it could come off that way). Sometimes submission is offered quietly, in a manner that appears to have less fire. The difference is that there are many things that feed our fires- as long as a Dom is lifting up the partner, it doesn't matter that the sub is or is not outspoken/career intensive/naturally controlling in his/her life or what have you. All that matters is that the needs of both partners are being met.

If a Dom is looking for a sub who willingly serves and is naturally submissive, I don't think that makes the Dom a weakling. I think a Dom is a weakling if s/he is threatened by the greatness of his/her submissive, but that has very little (in my opinion) to do with personal tastes within the lifestyle.

I'm not trying to offend or insult; rather I'm trying to offer a bit of perspective. If anyone feels my words are hurtful, please contact me (either here or through PM) so that we can get it straightened out. I am not looking to hurt anyone.

You're not being offensive at all, quite the contrary a very good question/comment/concern. I'll answer from my own perspective and hopefully it'll help clarify what you're wondering about.

When I use the term "doormat" I am referring to someone that is subbing either due to the fact that they feel unworthy as a person or as an equal, or someone that has been bullied into their submission. For many subs (while, yes, we are naturally the way we are), our submission is still ours to give as we see fit to a person fit to have it. It is a selective process, not one we approach casually because we need someone/anyone to tie us up and spank us. Once given of course, it is our Dom's to use as they see fit (I know this line has had some air-time on the forums! ).

When I talk about about the "strength" of the sub I mean simply that the sub has the clarity and perspective to offer himself or herself to a Master they feel is worthy of their person. They don't have to be "outspoken/career intensive/naturally controlling" at all. It's an esteem issue, I suppose. The Doms I have the most respect for are always encouraging this positive esteem to come through in their subs. Sir Russell has several fine posts that reference this, as well as others. In fact, I recall one of the first posts of Russell's that I read where he commented that if his sub/slave had such a low opinion of herself, what did that make him feel like as a Dom? (Not a verbatim quote, but I hope it got the point across.) That's what I'm referring to.

In my case and in Arria's, for example, we're a little more hard-assed in our public lives but that makes us no stronger or better than the girl who is quiet and inclined to serve and takes the time to find a Dom that matches her and encourages her. You're completely correct delish, it's all about the needs of the partners being met. If someone comes into a D/s relationship with a low and empty outlook on themselves, however, that "need" to perpetuate their own misery and punish themselves with their choice of relationship can be very very dangerous indeed...

[Whippett]

If a Dom is looking for a sub who willingly serves and is naturally submissive, I don't think that makes the Dom a weakling. I think a Dom is a weakling if s/he is threatened by the greatness of his/her submissive, but that has very little (in my opinion) to do with personal tastes within the lifestyle.

Well spoken delish and others - but there is a distinction I'd like to make in the above. My girl is very submissive - but she is also a very strong person. By the tone of what you've written in your longer post she would be classified her as a door mat in some eyes - and she is anything but that - deep submission does not make a door mat, though door mats are indeed deeply submissive. I think the difference is that a door mat will submit to any form of dominance without having had her mind won (in essence - she has given herself over to dominance - not to an individual) - where a non-door mat deep submissive must always have her mind won over (she submits to whatever depth she needs - to the one who has won her mind)...as a wise friend puts it "Capture the mind and the rest will follow". That describes my girl. And I wouldn't change her one iota!

[delish]

Well spoken delish and others - but there is a distinction I'd like to make in the above. My girl is very submissive - but she is also a very strong person. By the tone of what you've written in your longer post she would be classified her as a door mat in some eyes - and she is anything but that - deep submission does not make a door mat, though door mats are indeed deeply submissive. I think the difference is that a door mat will submit to any form of dominance without having had her mind won (in essence - she has given herself over to dominance - not to an individual) - where a non-door mat deep submissive must always have her mind won over (she submits to whatever depth she needs - to the one who has won her mind)...as a wise friend puts it "Capture the mind and the rest will follow". That describes my girl. And I wouldn't change her one iota!

Oh, dear- that's exactly what I was trying NOT to say- and I apologise for miscommunicating. I'm assuming it's something in my longer post that gave the impression that deep submission=doormat. Absolutely not- I was trying to make mention of the fact that there are more ways of showing strength in submission than having an outwardly "strong" personality, though that is no less valid. I keep tripping over my words here, but I did want to apologise, to you and your girl, and anyone who interpreted my post to be judgemental in any way. That was truly not my intention.

[Whippett]

Oh, dear- that's exactly what I was trying NOT to say- and I apologise for miscommunicating. I'm assuming it's something in my longer post that gave the impression that deep submission=doormat. Absolutely not- I was trying to make mention of the fact that there are more ways of showing strength in submission than having an outwardly "strong" personality, though that is no less valid. I keep tripping over my words here, but I did want to apologise, to you and your girl, and anyone who interpreted my post to be judgemental in any way. That was truly not my intention.

In reading back delish, I think I was reading too much into your comment about "does that make a Dom weak" - and there is absolutely no need to apologise dear, you spoke succinctly and clearly and I read more into what you said than you meant. I guess it's a bit of a hot button for me at the moment - as much from what is happening locally with the community as anything. Check your PM